Life as Leon Sucks!
by ficflicker
Summary: That's right, taking a break from mutilating the story of Fable to mutilate the story of Resident Evil 4! Chapter 2 will be up IF I get a few reviews.


Life as Leon Sucks! Part I

Well well well, what do we have here? I'm writing a non-Fable fanfic? Unlikely isn't it? Anyway, hopefully some of my LIAS fans have already wandered over here. I might put a notice in the next chapter, which I may not write since nobody really reviews it anymore. Well, I've switched to another one of my favorite games now, Resi 4. So sit back, make every attempt to get your hand out of your pants, and enjoy!

Residentevilisobviouslynotminesoshutupaboutitalready!

Dateline: Fall of 2004, somewhere in Europe.

The car rolled down the dusty hill into the rural countryside. None of the passengers had seen a gas station for miles. In the backseat sat Leon Scott Kennedy, former S.T.A.R.S. officer for the RPD and screenname JeRkYbOy23 for MSN. In the front were two local police officers donning the usual outfit of the Spanish police department. They had been on the road for hours and the mood in the car was somber.

All: 99 bottles of beer on the wall! 99 bottles of beer! You take one down, pass it around…

Cop 1: uhhhh….What's below 99?

Leon: Are you really that stupid? It's 88.

Cop 2: These Shnozzberries taste like Shnozzberries.

Cop 1: You're out of it man. Gi- hic gimme your keys.

Cop 2: They're in the ignition! WEEEEE!

The driver then accelerated into a tree. The two cops started giggling and Leon sat in the back and pissed himself.

Leon: So how's the football in Spain?

Cop 1: We're not in Spain man.

Leon: But… but you have policia on your uniforms! We're in Europe! Besides, everyone here speaks Spanish!

Cop 2: Look, Capcom says we're not in Spain ok?!?! Stop trying to piss them off!

Leon: Alright! Fine. Anyway, this is my stop I guess, keep the motor running, I'll be right back.

Cop 1: No you won't.

Leon: What makes you say that.

Cop 1: You ever get the feeling something really bad is going to happen to everyone near you?

Leon: No, why?

Cop 1: Ok, go on then.

Leon shook his head and walked off. A few yards down the path was a small dusty house. It looked like nobody in their right mind would live there, but Leon decided to go in anyway. As he entered the house, he noticed a man standing by the fireplace. Leon walked up to him and said hello. He then pulled out a picture of Ashley Graham, the president's daughter who he was sent to find.

Leon: Have you seen this girl?

Man: Sonrisa, tu es en Camera Candidas.

(Smile.you're.on.Candid.Camera)

The man then walked over to the fireplace. Leon turned to leave, and the man looked back to him.

Man: Esperar, es un Araña enorme en tu camisa. Yo matar.

(Wait.there.is.a.huge.spider.on.your.shirt I'll.kill.it)

He picked up an axe and swung it toward Leon. Leon ducked out of the way and aimed at the man's head. Leon yelled "freeze", but the man kept walking toward him.

Man: Tu es un pendeho amigo!

(You're a dick buddy!)

At that, Leon emptied a round into the man's chest. After that failed, he shot him in the face. As he turned to leave, he saw people out the window. All of them had weapons, and looked pissed.

Man: Oh mi dios! Tu matar Kenny!

(Oh my god! You killed Kenny!)

Woman: Tu bastardo!

(You bastard!)

The people swarmed around the house as Leon ran upstairs to get to higher ground.

Meanwhile, back at the car…

Cop 1: Dude, did you just see that?

Cop 2: No, I was busy watching those people destroy the bridge, what'd I miss?

Cop 1: Leon went into that house and now there's a mob outside.

Cop 2: Maybe it's a mosh pit! Is Leon a rock star?

Cop 1: I don't think so. C'mon, let's get out of here.

Cop 2: Dude, I just told you, the bridge is out.

Cop 1: No man, the bridge is still there in spirit. We can just drive across the gap.

Cop 2: Dude, that's some Chinese shit right there man! Let's do it!

And so, the two cops drove off the cliff and landed on the rocks below. The two cops crawled out, and ran to avoid the resulting explosion.

Back at the house, Leon was staring out the second story window contemplating his escape.

Leon: Ok, so if I jump out the window and shoot them all in the face, I should be able to get to the town.

So, Leon backed up and ran full speed at the window, he jumped at it, banged into it, and fell to the floor. A few minutes later, he got up, opened the window, and hopped down. He began fighting off the mob swiftly and easily until none of the people were left alive. After that, he continued down the path. After a few yards, he noticed a small village up ahead. He ducked behind the tree and pulled out his binoculars. Looking over at the village, he noticed a large fire roaring, and in the fire was one of the "not Spanish" policemen. Leon ran forward to the fire to help when something caught his eye. There on the ground was a bag of stay-puffed marshmallows. All of a sudden, a shout came from the fire.

Cop: Is anyone out there? I need help! I'm not dead, but I'm getting there! I can't feel my legs, or other favorite appendages of mine! Please call an ambulance! I think my lower half is on fire! My protective cup has melted, and the plastic burns! Please get me out of this fire!

As the cop screamed, Leon sat by the fire roasting one of the marshmallows. After he had eaten it, he threw a few of them at the cop and walked off. When he turned he noticed a large man with a potato sack on his head. The man was holding a chainsaw and sitting on the porch of a nearby house. Leon walked up to him and began to speak.

Leon: Excuse me? Have you seen this girl?

He held out a picture of Ashley once again. The man only stared at him and continued sitting.

Leon: Why do you have a sack on your head?

Man: You're invading my personal space!

Leon: That's nice. So what's your name.

Man: My name is Doctor Salvador and you're bugging me.

Leon: Well nice to meet you Sal. Say I have an idea! Why don't you help me look for this girl, what do you say?

Sal: I don't like you. You smell of radishes.

Leon: That's my cologne. So why don't you want to come with?

Sal: I'm busy.

Leon: Look's like you're just sitting around to me.

Sal: Well I'm busy sitting around. Look, just be glad I'm not supposed to try and chop your head off yet. I have to wait here for some chick in a red dress or something, so just go away.

Leon: Well if you insist. By the way, why do you speak English if everyone else here is Spanish?

Sal: For someone I don't know you ask a lot of stupid questions! Now go away before I chop off your fuzzy dice and hang them in my car.

Leon: You have a car? What kind?

Sal: Station wagon.

Leon: Dude, you're gay!

Sal: Shut up and go do your thing. By the way if I see you again and chop off your head, it's nothing personal, I just don't like you and I don't like your face.

Leo: Well that's reassuring. See ya Sal.

Sal: Peace.

Doctor Salvador went back to doing nothing and Leon walked into a nearby house. Looking around, he found a shotgun mounted on the wall. He pulled it off and went to the window. There, he saw a large group of people swarming to the house. He ran downstairs, flew out the door and raised the shotgun to eye level with the nearest person. He pulled the trigger and… nothing happened. Moments later, someone inside yelled…

Man: Hey! Who took my replica shotgun? I should of known better than to leave my door unlocked at all times!

Outside, Leon was panicking. He was in the middle of a swarm of angry "not Spaniards" with a plastic shotgun. Just then, a bell tolled in the nearby church, and everyone stared at it. One by one, they started walking toward the sound as if hypnotized. Leon knew only something more desirable than a thousand kings' treasures could force those creatures to surrender their slaughter.

Bell Ringer: LUNCH TIME! SLOPPY JOE DAY! GET YOUR LAZY ASSES IN HERE! SLOPPY JOE AND CURLY FRIES!!!

A sudden jolt caused Leon to jump and run around screaming. Then he realized it was his communicator. He pulled it out of his pocket and flipped it open.

Hunnigan: Come in Leon! Are you there?

Leon: Yeah, what's up?

Hunnigan: My name is Hunnigan. I know three syllable words are a stretch for you but try to bear with me. So what's up with your communicator? I've been trying to call for the past hour.

Leon: Well I have Cingular so…

Hunnigan: Oh you poor man.

Leon: So Shenanigan, why'd you call?

Hunnigan: I'll be assisting you throughout your trip. I'll tell you things you already know and hound you for mistakes you haven't made yet.

Leon: So basically you're like every boss or manager in the known universe?

Hunnigan: Precisely.

Leon: Well that's a bummer. I'll try to forget you exist.

Hunnigan: And I'll try to call you at the worst possible times. Hunnigan out.

As Hunnigan hung up, Leon put away his communicator and headed off to the next area on his radar.

That's all for chapter one! Fans of Life in Albion Sucks that are reading this should know that I'm not stopping the LIAS series, just starting a new series. However, I don't write if nobody reads, so be sure to get your comments in whether you love me or hate me, whether you're white or black, yellow or red, male or female, old or young, blond or brunette, smart or retarded, straight or gay or bi or in love with a freakin' chimpanzee. You're comments are always appreciated, but if one of you sends me money I'd appreciate that more. Oh well, till next time, see ya! Oh, and before I forget…

I am at one with nuggets!


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